Why are we here?
What’s it all about (Alfie)?
Leaving aside the metaphysical and the Cilla Black references I can tell you why this particular site and Blog is here.
I am (at the time of writing) a fairly average 42 year old bloke. I eat a lot of the wrong things though I have always thought that my diet isn’t terrible. I don’t get enough exercise and drive to the local shops and school. My family is fairly large by modern standards as I have a Wife and 6 children who vary in ages from mid twenties to Seven. . I’m an ex smoker who now vapes and spends a lot of time watching TV and Playing computer games(Yeah I don’t care I that i’m 42 I like them and probably always will).
Though there is a proverbial straw (or straws) that broke the camels back (I’ll get to that later) for the most part the 2015-2017 have not been the greatest period of my life and has been in general downward spiral in my physical and mental health. The causes are multiple and like most situations like this some things are out of my control, most things are within my control.
As an example of something out of my control my wife has something called Chronic Pain Syndrome. From what I can work out this is the pain management equivalent of “it’s a virus”. Don’t get me wrong She has had all sorts of tests and scans and they all show that she is indeed in pain. It’s just they can’t find what is causing it. There is essentially no physiologic or neurological reason (that they have yet found) as to why she is in pain, she just is. The medical world despite their best and valiant effort have become experts in telling us what it isn’t but cant seem to tell us what it is. Just to make it clear every nurse, doctor and consultant has been excellent it’s just that the fact is she shouldn’t be in the pain she is in, but she is. Over a number of years her condition has gotten progressively worse and in early 2015 it became obvious that she needed care.
So I became my wife’s primary carer. Don’t get me wrong at the time I was unemployed but was pretty much at the end of a course that would have allowed me to become a HGV Driver (ie I had passed all the prerequisite written test and just needed to pass the practical driving test). So I gave up any idea of being able to work. The thing is looking back I was resentful that i couldn’t work and “had” to be stuck at home. See now we are getting to what we could control. If I have looked at it there was no reason, she couldn’t help how she was. In fact she would give everything not to be in pain. For two years it festered an my mental and physical health declined. I was put on anti depressants, I got fatter and my motivation to do anything became non-existent. Everything became too much effort and it pretty much came to a head Christmas eve 2017 when I told my recently diagnosed diabetic wife I wanted a divorce.
So after telling my wife i wanted a divorce I went for a drive. I’m fairly lucky in that regard as I have the new forest on my doorstep. Now I must admit i started to wonder what the point was in carrying on. I think i hit rock bottom at that point. There was however a little voice in my head telling me not to give up but to work and become a better person. I broke down an cried and continued to do so for about half hour. I then did something that I haven’t done for a while. I began to think about my life and this is when two of the straws hit.
Straw one was the realization that I am the master of my own ship and that we only have one life which can end before you know it. This was partly brought on by a tragedy that struck a couple of days earlier. My son’s girlfriends brother was killed by a drunk driver. Though I didn’t personally know him this did, naturally put a damper on the upcoming festivities. The point, however, is that at the time he was doing everything right. He was on his way to work on his bike, wearing a high vis with lights on and because of something out of his control it all came to an abrupt end for him.
Straw two was my wives diabetes. We couldn’t carry on the way we were going and eating cheap easy meals that consisted of chip et al and take away’s. I had to start cooking properly again and providing healthy and nutritious meals for her and in fact my family. Basically i needed to stop being lazy.
At this point I return home and do something i haven’t done for years. I actually talk to my wife.
Straw Three came a couple of days later. It started with me waking up about 6am needing the toilet. While getting out of bed i noticed a half-naked chubby bloke at the end of the bed. My heart actually started to pound as for a few seconds I genuinely thought we had an intruder who was here to do who knows what. Alas though it was not an intruder and i was in fact looking in the mirror. I had become such a stranger to myself that i hadn’t recognized myself in the mirror. This is bad and something had to be done.
Straw four (and the final one) happened the same day. I was having a shower and happened to look straight down. I couldn’t see my feet. All I could see was my belly. That had to go.
So we have at this point a chubby bloke who doesn’t recognize himself both physically and mentally. I need to do something about this. I need to get fitter in both regards.
So I did something that i swore I would never do. I joined a Gym with the express purpose of getting fit with a view to running the London marathon in 2019 (something I’ve wanted to do but found excuses not to even try). I also need to develop a better attitude towards thing. Stop looking at things negatively and look for the positive.
The Plan is in essence to become a fitter, happier and more rounded me.
The Blog (and this site)
So now we come to the why we are here part. The blog and this site is here to chronicle my journey to achieve a better me. The journey itself will be an ongoing one as i think self-improvement should never be “finished”. Initially the Blog will probably focus on physical health and the Gym but it will expand to include any new activity that I try to take on to achieve my end of becoming a better and more noble me.