Today I have precisely zero motivation.
It’s not just towards anything in particular it’s just a day when my motivation is non-existent. Imagine, if you will, that you have been served and are eating a large meal of Can’t be bothered with a Generous side of maybe later smothered in a generous helping of meh sauce. This is the meal that I am eating today. Now initially I can’t work out why I am this way. Then I remember that when i went to bed last night I forgot to take my antidepressants. If fact now i think about it I haven’t taken them for two days. Naughty, Naughty me.
Depression is a funny thing. Most people who haven’t had it just think that it’s feeling sad or down. This view of depression is about as accurate as a Stormtrooper shooting at Han, Leia and Luke. Which is to say not at all accurate. Even people who have had depression or are suffering from it find it hard to put into words. Now I can’t tell you how everyone feels but i can try to tell you how it feels to me and I’m going to give it a good go.
Imagine that you are wearing an invisible old-time Bell Diving suit. If you are not sure what one looks like, well, it looks like this.
Now you have a good idea what i’m talking about i’ll continue. Now you can’t take this off. You are wearing this suit 24/7. Nobody can see it and to them you are just you and they continue to act the same as they always have and in truth you don’t want them to see it. The problem with the suit is that it is very heavy and is very insulating. In the case of this suit what it insulates is feelings. The suits wont let your negative feelings out and wont let positive feelings in. This is a problem as you are stuck inside with all your negative feelings and as an extra special bonus the suit slowly absorbs them making the boots and helmet heavier, the suit slightly thicker and your air pipe slightly thinner.
Think about what it’s like in that suit. Think about doing just simple thinks like the washing up or even getting out of bed. The longer you are wearing it the harder it is to do everyday things and the desire to do them just vanishes. Of course there are times when you force yourself to do them. Also times when you go out with your friends. You may even tell a few jokes etc. This is not because the suit isn’t there anymore, it’s because you are desperate for other people not to see this huge cumbersome suit you are wearing. You don’t want to be a burden. After all there must be a reason you have this suit on and can’t take it off, you must deserve it.
At these time (just like any other) while you are wearing the suit all your interactions are muted. You are after all experiencing them though a bell suit. You may laugh at a joke but part of you feels you may have missed a word or two. If someone gives you a hug it feels distant. This is how I personally experience my depression.
Now you may be tempted to think that the Antidepressants are a magic cure-all that remove the suit. They don’t at least not for a while. What they do though is poke little holes in the suit which allows some of the negativity out and crucially some positivity in. They increase the size of your airline. Eventually you can take the helmet and boots off. One day the suit has so many holes that it just falls off. At least this is the hope. I’m generally at the stage without helmet or boots. If I forget to take my antidepressants though…
Anyway enough of this. For want of a better way to say it, it’s depressing.
So I spend most of the day not doing very much at all. Do a bit of food shopping. Play a bit of my game of the moment Elite:Dangerous. Watch some Dr. Who on Netflix. Now I Intended to go to the Gym around 12. I didn’t go I put it off to 1…. I didn’t go then either so i put it off to 2….Still didn’t go.
I realize that because of my general Mehness I’m going to need a Gym buddy today to motivate me where I can’t motivate myself. So I text my son and arrange to meet him at 7 at the Gym.
7 arrives and i get a call asking where I am. Now you maybe thinking that I’m not going, You would be absolutely and totally wrong. I explain that I’m just at the traffic lights and I’ll be at the gym in about 2 mins.
I arrive at the gym, we go in, get ready and i start my normal routine (5 mins step machine, 10 mins recumbent bike, 10 mins Cross-trainer then Couch to 5k training on the treadmill). All is going well and until I start the couch to 5k bit. Now I’m still in my first week so to remind you what that training is. 1)5 mins brisk walk, 2) 1min running, 3) 1.5 mins Brisk walk. Repeat 2 and 3 until 20 mins has expired. So step 1 goes by without a hitch. Step 2 ,however, as I’m doing it my left knee tells me that it is really rather hurty but I push on through and get to step 3 which goes without a Hitch. Back to step 2 and now my left knee is quite insistently telling me to stop doing what i am doing as it is really quite hurty. I ponder what to do and all of a sudden it’s time for step 3 again. So I slow down to a brisk walk and my left knee thanks me by sending a sharp pain up my leg. I manage to finish this minute and a half of walking but decide that the running shouldn’t be attempted.
My Couch to 5K training has been defeated by a hurty left knee. I must confess that I am somewhat concerned. After all this is in fact my fourth run training session (officially I’m only counting from Monday but managed to do it last Friday and Saturday) and i haven’t had a problem.
The reason for the Hurty left knee appears in my mind like a cartoon lightbulb. You see I’ve spent rather a lot of time today at the computer. Now i tend to sit with my left foot tucked under my right knee. In fact i remember when i moved earlier my left knee hurt a bit then long before i came to the gym. So I’m going to have to watch how i sit. Even now while writing this I’m having to think about keeping my left leg out from under my right.
So problem solved. Hopefully Friday everything will be fine. However, I do feel as if I am somehow cheating so i decide to do and extra 15 mins on the Cross trainer.